Well here we are again, its been a week since I last wrote on here and what a week it has been. I cant make my mind up at the moment how I feel about anything, one minute I am laughing and happy, the next in floods of tears, I am probably putting too much on myself but am so dam obstinate I will not give in. Take this morning for example, I had been not feeling very good since yesterday, in fact if I am totally honest since Sunday, I knew that I had a full week in at work this week, well five days although only two of them where full days. I managed to get myself so worked up over the fact that I had to work a full day today that I spent yesterday afternoon on the sofa just feeling sorry for myself. I had absolutely no energy and all I could think was how am I going to cope being out of the house from 7am until 6pm. It was such a daunting thought and of course I was panicking. I hardly slept last night thinking about it and by the time I got to work this morning I just wanted to drop down and hide from the world. In a conversation with my team leader she mentioned that they would like me to try out a bit on the telephones today, well, I could have burst into tears, I did attempt to keep control and work through it but by 9:30 I was sat in the toilets crying my eyes out. I am not sure how long I was in there but eventually my manager came and knocked on the door. We had a chat for what seemed like forever and I admitted to being worried about working a full day and even more so about the telephones. She was really understanding and said that if the full days where too much for me then they would make arrangements for me to do some more half days and as for the telephones, I could take a bit longer. In the end I said that I didnt want to go home as by doing that I am giving in and I have to fight this, the telephones I asked if I could try doing some outgoing calls for a while just to get my confidence on the way back and she agreed to that. Well guess what, it is now about four hours later, I am feeling much better although I am still weepy and more importantly I am ready for working through till five o'clock and just to top that I have actually taken nine calls, get me!!!! I just needed to have a bit of an explosion and get things off my chest, I managed not to explode and keep things under some semblance of control and become more positive into the bargain.
My this is hard work, I am very good most of the time at putting on a smile and keeping everything inside, this is not good, it just makes things worse as I tend to overthink, then I manage to decide on what peoples reaction will be without giving them a chance, not nice although the answers I think are going to be given are often a pleaseant surprise as they are usually a lot nicer that I expect.
My this is hard work, I am very good most of the time at putting on a smile and keeping everything inside, this is not good, it just makes things worse as I tend to overthink, then I manage to decide on what peoples reaction will be without giving them a chance, not nice although the answers I think are going to be given are often a pleaseant surprise as they are usually a lot nicer that I expect.