Its been a strange day today, strange but very productive if thats the correct word to use. I am still trembling inside and feeling like crying but I have managed to go for a bike ride to the Humber Bridge. It was freezing and the trees had ice dropping off them but it was so relaxing, just sitting there watching and listening to the water. The fog was really thick and was blowing in over the pebbles, it looked quite spooky, almost spectral. At first I could only see the bridge on this side of the water but by just sitting patiently the fog eventually started to clear and the other bank came into view. Its a popular area for dog walkers which made it even better as I am a dog lover and was able to get a quick stroke of one or two that decided to come and visit me, sheer bliss.
I did at one point almost burst into tears and I think I have now worked out why this is. Whenever I do anything that is outside my comfort zone I become so overwhelmed with emotion that it makes me weep. I must admit that to help calm myself I rang my aunt for a quick chat and that seemed to work, especially after she looked at the photo I sent her to show her where I was, she was nearly as proud of me as I was of myself.
When it was time to come home I did start to have a panic attack but instead of giving in I breathed through it and carried on after a few minutes as I knew that I was only panicking because I had to ride my bike home again.
I also had a lovely surprise today. My son had taken his dogs out for a walk and ended up bringing them round to our home to see me. I adore the boys but dont get to see them very often as Ian is allergic and their hair brings him out in a rash. Talk about over the moon, I had fun laying on the floor with Melvin the Bassett Hound and trying to get Rex the British Bull Dog to go to sleep on my knee, fantastic.
One thing I have realised today is that I think I have worked out why I get so nervous about going outside. I was brought up to believe that if you where ill you where not allowed to go out, obviously this is instilled in me and although I have to get out as part of my therapy it puts me in an awkward position as my brain is telling me that I shouldnt be out. This along with the fact that I have hardly been outside the house for a few months now, plus the fact that at one point I was scared that I could break down at any moment so didnt want to go out anyway. Put all this together and it magnifies the situation and makes you worse. It is however something I am learning to overcome and now I have an idea what is causing it I will learn to deal with it and will soon be going wherever I want whenever I want.
I did at one point almost burst into tears and I think I have now worked out why this is. Whenever I do anything that is outside my comfort zone I become so overwhelmed with emotion that it makes me weep. I must admit that to help calm myself I rang my aunt for a quick chat and that seemed to work, especially after she looked at the photo I sent her to show her where I was, she was nearly as proud of me as I was of myself.
When it was time to come home I did start to have a panic attack but instead of giving in I breathed through it and carried on after a few minutes as I knew that I was only panicking because I had to ride my bike home again.
I also had a lovely surprise today. My son had taken his dogs out for a walk and ended up bringing them round to our home to see me. I adore the boys but dont get to see them very often as Ian is allergic and their hair brings him out in a rash. Talk about over the moon, I had fun laying on the floor with Melvin the Bassett Hound and trying to get Rex the British Bull Dog to go to sleep on my knee, fantastic.
One thing I have realised today is that I think I have worked out why I get so nervous about going outside. I was brought up to believe that if you where ill you where not allowed to go out, obviously this is instilled in me and although I have to get out as part of my therapy it puts me in an awkward position as my brain is telling me that I shouldnt be out. This along with the fact that I have hardly been outside the house for a few months now, plus the fact that at one point I was scared that I could break down at any moment so didnt want to go out anyway. Put all this together and it magnifies the situation and makes you worse. It is however something I am learning to overcome and now I have an idea what is causing it I will learn to deal with it and will soon be going wherever I want whenever I want.