Well here we are again.
It is now Thursday which means I havent written anything for 3 days. This doesnt mean that I havent thought about it, I have, I am always thinking, my mind never switches off. I suppose this is part of my problem, I am unable to truly relax and wind down. I have tried all sorts of things like relaxation, meditation, yoga, they all work for a while but then the brain switches and off we go again! Its like there is something in there that says no, you cannot relax as you wont be in control any more. Yep, you guessed it I have issues with control, I have to be in control of every part of my life and when that is not possible I go to pieces which tends to be quite often as along with the control comes setting myself standards that are far too high and completely unobtainable with the way I set them.
It seems strange putting down on paper some of the things that contribute towards my feeling the way I do. Its wierd as I know where I am going wrong, I also have a good idea of how to deal with them, then comes the crux of the matter. I have spent so many years feeling this way that it is easier to carry on than it is to change and become the person I know I can be, the person everyone else sees when I am not feeling down.
A few weeks ago I did a bit of an experiment and sent a text to some of my friends and family asking them to give me 3 words that described me. Did you know that most of them said fun or funny for one of those words, dont get me wrong there was the usual loving, caring etc but I dont understand why most people see me as fun or funny. Its not something that springs to mind when I look at myself,, I just see me, ok so I know thats not a good description but I really dont know how to describe myself, maybe thats something I should look at over the next few weeks, look at what I want to be and how to get there.
At my last councelling session (last Friday) I was told that I need to start and socialise, to get out and about more and make contact with people. Now this is a scary thought. I know this may sound strange as only a couple of weeks ago I was walking the streets never wanting to come home but I do have a problem at the moment with being around people. I find it hard to be in situations where there may be contact and I would have to make small talk with someone. This coming from the worlds record holder for chatting. Normally I have difficulty stopping talking, doesnt matter whether I know the person or not, after all a stranger is just a friend that hasnt been made yet. At the moment I just dont feel as though I have anything to say to anyone, also what if I have a panic attack or start crying, what would people think? I have however managed a couple of trips to the shops, and I have made small talk with strangers, they spoke to me first but its a start. Although the guy that was commenting on me riding my bike with all my shopping didnt really mean that, I realised later he was talking about me cycling around with only a t shirt on in the freezing cold but hey ho!!!
Someone told me recently that they think I am brave doing this blog. That was strange for me to hear as I dont think I am, I just think of it as a good way to help me get to a better place in life. I find that once I have written something down I can start to forget about it as it is 'off my chest' as they say so will not be going round and round in my head.
I am not sure if this blog will be of any help to anyone but hopefully it will make it easier for those that know me to understand me a bit better although I hope that they will not treat me any different as deep down I am still that same person, just that I am having a bit of a bad time at the moment.
In the words of Gloria Gaynor 'I will survive' xx
It is now Thursday which means I havent written anything for 3 days. This doesnt mean that I havent thought about it, I have, I am always thinking, my mind never switches off. I suppose this is part of my problem, I am unable to truly relax and wind down. I have tried all sorts of things like relaxation, meditation, yoga, they all work for a while but then the brain switches and off we go again! Its like there is something in there that says no, you cannot relax as you wont be in control any more. Yep, you guessed it I have issues with control, I have to be in control of every part of my life and when that is not possible I go to pieces which tends to be quite often as along with the control comes setting myself standards that are far too high and completely unobtainable with the way I set them.
It seems strange putting down on paper some of the things that contribute towards my feeling the way I do. Its wierd as I know where I am going wrong, I also have a good idea of how to deal with them, then comes the crux of the matter. I have spent so many years feeling this way that it is easier to carry on than it is to change and become the person I know I can be, the person everyone else sees when I am not feeling down.
A few weeks ago I did a bit of an experiment and sent a text to some of my friends and family asking them to give me 3 words that described me. Did you know that most of them said fun or funny for one of those words, dont get me wrong there was the usual loving, caring etc but I dont understand why most people see me as fun or funny. Its not something that springs to mind when I look at myself,, I just see me, ok so I know thats not a good description but I really dont know how to describe myself, maybe thats something I should look at over the next few weeks, look at what I want to be and how to get there.
At my last councelling session (last Friday) I was told that I need to start and socialise, to get out and about more and make contact with people. Now this is a scary thought. I know this may sound strange as only a couple of weeks ago I was walking the streets never wanting to come home but I do have a problem at the moment with being around people. I find it hard to be in situations where there may be contact and I would have to make small talk with someone. This coming from the worlds record holder for chatting. Normally I have difficulty stopping talking, doesnt matter whether I know the person or not, after all a stranger is just a friend that hasnt been made yet. At the moment I just dont feel as though I have anything to say to anyone, also what if I have a panic attack or start crying, what would people think? I have however managed a couple of trips to the shops, and I have made small talk with strangers, they spoke to me first but its a start. Although the guy that was commenting on me riding my bike with all my shopping didnt really mean that, I realised later he was talking about me cycling around with only a t shirt on in the freezing cold but hey ho!!!
Someone told me recently that they think I am brave doing this blog. That was strange for me to hear as I dont think I am, I just think of it as a good way to help me get to a better place in life. I find that once I have written something down I can start to forget about it as it is 'off my chest' as they say so will not be going round and round in my head.
I am not sure if this blog will be of any help to anyone but hopefully it will make it easier for those that know me to understand me a bit better although I hope that they will not treat me any different as deep down I am still that same person, just that I am having a bit of a bad time at the moment.
In the words of Gloria Gaynor 'I will survive' xx