And here we are again, what shall we talk about today, first things first, get the bad stuff out of the road. Yesterday was a bad day and so was today. Yesterday because I had been out for a meal on Tuesday evening, today because I decided to graze my arms with a rasor last night. Not very good I must admit and I am still trying to work out whether it is just a bit of a relapse with having the water infection at weekend as I dont think my tablets worked properly due to all the vomiting, or whether I need a stronger dose of the tablets as I am still on the lowest. Now this sounds as though I am dependant on the tablets and not doing anything to help myself, this is only partly true, I need the tablets to help me keep on an even keel as without them I am all of the following:
Weepy
Miserable
Guilty
Moody
Jealous of other peoples relationships
Insecure
Feeling of no self worth
Wanting to plan my funeral as I feel as though I dont have much longer to live
The world is against me
Unable to do anything right
Ugly
No personality
Everyone avoiding me
Everyone talking about me
Wanting to escape the worlld
I have so many hangups its unbelievable really and I am always a very needy person when I havent got my tablets. I have tried various forms of therapy and they all work for a while but nothing is ever permanent. I sometimes wonder if I was to try taking the parties to court that abused me as a youngster if that would help but I really dont think it would as I would then feel guilty for causing them pain, what a vicious circle I live in, no matter what I do to control it, it always comes back and bites me on the ass. Poor Ian bears the brunt of most of it, the times I have wanted a divorce as I have been depressed and he has had to suffer me not sleeping in the same bed as him or not talking to him and as for money, I can only now after 31 years of marriage show him a bill without fully expecting him to turn into a monster and start beating me up like my mothers ex used to do to her if it was too high. That being said, I can show him but sometimes it can take me a couple of days or I will leave it out and make sure I am not in when he reads it, all through some silly barsteward that liked to hit women and children. When youve seen it happen every time a bill falls through the letter box it leaves a deep impression on you.
Right, now for some good stuff. I have just arranged with Oakwood Dog Rescue to go and walk some dogs on Saturday, I really cannot wait as it will do me the world of good. I love dogs, I would have one now if I could but with Ians allergies, as I said before, its not going to happen so this will be the next best thing. It will be so nice as they love you unconditionally and if you help them they will do anything for you. I wonder if they have a really small one that I can put in my front basket on my bike and bring home, if its little enough Ian wont notice it until its too late. We shall have to wait and see!!!!
Weepy
Miserable
Guilty
Moody
Jealous of other peoples relationships
Insecure
Feeling of no self worth
Wanting to plan my funeral as I feel as though I dont have much longer to live
The world is against me
Unable to do anything right
Ugly
No personality
Everyone avoiding me
Everyone talking about me
Wanting to escape the worlld
I have so many hangups its unbelievable really and I am always a very needy person when I havent got my tablets. I have tried various forms of therapy and they all work for a while but nothing is ever permanent. I sometimes wonder if I was to try taking the parties to court that abused me as a youngster if that would help but I really dont think it would as I would then feel guilty for causing them pain, what a vicious circle I live in, no matter what I do to control it, it always comes back and bites me on the ass. Poor Ian bears the brunt of most of it, the times I have wanted a divorce as I have been depressed and he has had to suffer me not sleeping in the same bed as him or not talking to him and as for money, I can only now after 31 years of marriage show him a bill without fully expecting him to turn into a monster and start beating me up like my mothers ex used to do to her if it was too high. That being said, I can show him but sometimes it can take me a couple of days or I will leave it out and make sure I am not in when he reads it, all through some silly barsteward that liked to hit women and children. When youve seen it happen every time a bill falls through the letter box it leaves a deep impression on you.
Right, now for some good stuff. I have just arranged with Oakwood Dog Rescue to go and walk some dogs on Saturday, I really cannot wait as it will do me the world of good. I love dogs, I would have one now if I could but with Ians allergies, as I said before, its not going to happen so this will be the next best thing. It will be so nice as they love you unconditionally and if you help them they will do anything for you. I wonder if they have a really small one that I can put in my front basket on my bike and bring home, if its little enough Ian wont notice it until its too late. We shall have to wait and see!!!!