Yesterday
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH
Breathe deeply, think nice thoughts
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRrgh
Breathe deeply, listen to your relaxation tape
AAAAAAAARRrrrrrrrgh
Breathe, deeply, sit quietly
AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrgh
Calm peaceful thoughts, cry
Aaaaaarrrrrgh
Soothing music, slow deep breaths
aaaarrrgh
Cry a bit more, sleep
aargh
Think nice thoughts, do some ironing whilst listening to radio
hmmm
Go shopping
Smile
Cook tea, eat tea, clean up after tea
And finally
Relax
MMMMMMMMMMM
Today
Still not quite sure what was wrong yesterday but never mind, I made it through in one piece. I was going to go swimming with my aunt but due to the way I was feeling this never happened. maybe it was just that I had surpassed myself on Tuesday with my visit to Humber Bridge, maybe I weas just having an off day, who knows.
I am slowly learning to take each day as it comes and deal with my depression in my own way, some day s are good some not so good. If I can see a reason why the worse days are the way they are then I try to do something about it (again in my own way) if not then hey ho, you cant repair something if you dont know what the problem is.
I am however having a better day today, I am feeling more positive with myself, have already cleaned the smaller of my fish tanks so the fish are now happy and am just trying to muster up the energy and confidence to attempt the gym again.
I can honestly say that I am starting to get a bit more energy than I had, I am still tired most of the time and still dont really sleep properly at night so make up for it in a morning, now I know this is not the best way but at the moment it is working for me and I am waking earlier now.
I am starting to be able to have my radio on again too, I love my music but at one point was unable to listen to it as it just sounded like mumbo jumbo and noise in my head and I didnt need any more of that in there I can tell you!!
I have also noticed that although I am still not sleeping properly I am also not having the vivid dreams that I was on the pills. I have always had vivid dreams, sometimes so real that I thought they had actually happened but the dreams I was having on the other anti depressants where not the same. They where really strange as well as vivid, almost surreal as though I was in a bubble and they where happening all around me. I dont hallucinate as much now either. I was always seeing things out of the corner of my eye or thinking that something was running across the floor, hearing voices when there was no-one there and just basically starting to feel as though I was going mad. Wow, now I want to cry for actually admitting that!
Its amazing what can happen to you when your depressed. People think that its just that you feel a bit down but that is not the case, its such an emotional time and takes its toll on you both physically and mentally. In my case I kept saying to people that I wanted the world to stop so that I could get off. What I was trying to say was that I felt as though everything and everyone was against me, I was worthless and could not do or say anything right. I needed time out to gather myself and get me from that horrible place where I was. I dont think I ever really wanted to die as some people do, for some that seems like the only way out, for me I just wanted to be on my own and left alone until I was ready to face the world again. I do still feel that way even now although not as much as I did. Its like trying to climb a rock face, you struggle to get up and often fall back again but each time you do you dont fall quite as far as the last time.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH
Breathe deeply, think nice thoughts
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRrgh
Breathe deeply, listen to your relaxation tape
AAAAAAAARRrrrrrrrgh
Breathe, deeply, sit quietly
AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrgh
Calm peaceful thoughts, cry
Aaaaaarrrrrgh
Soothing music, slow deep breaths
aaaarrrgh
Cry a bit more, sleep
aargh
Think nice thoughts, do some ironing whilst listening to radio
hmmm
Go shopping
Smile
Cook tea, eat tea, clean up after tea
And finally
Relax
MMMMMMMMMMM
Today
Still not quite sure what was wrong yesterday but never mind, I made it through in one piece. I was going to go swimming with my aunt but due to the way I was feeling this never happened. maybe it was just that I had surpassed myself on Tuesday with my visit to Humber Bridge, maybe I weas just having an off day, who knows.
I am slowly learning to take each day as it comes and deal with my depression in my own way, some day s are good some not so good. If I can see a reason why the worse days are the way they are then I try to do something about it (again in my own way) if not then hey ho, you cant repair something if you dont know what the problem is.
I am however having a better day today, I am feeling more positive with myself, have already cleaned the smaller of my fish tanks so the fish are now happy and am just trying to muster up the energy and confidence to attempt the gym again.
I can honestly say that I am starting to get a bit more energy than I had, I am still tired most of the time and still dont really sleep properly at night so make up for it in a morning, now I know this is not the best way but at the moment it is working for me and I am waking earlier now.
I am starting to be able to have my radio on again too, I love my music but at one point was unable to listen to it as it just sounded like mumbo jumbo and noise in my head and I didnt need any more of that in there I can tell you!!
I have also noticed that although I am still not sleeping properly I am also not having the vivid dreams that I was on the pills. I have always had vivid dreams, sometimes so real that I thought they had actually happened but the dreams I was having on the other anti depressants where not the same. They where really strange as well as vivid, almost surreal as though I was in a bubble and they where happening all around me. I dont hallucinate as much now either. I was always seeing things out of the corner of my eye or thinking that something was running across the floor, hearing voices when there was no-one there and just basically starting to feel as though I was going mad. Wow, now I want to cry for actually admitting that!
Its amazing what can happen to you when your depressed. People think that its just that you feel a bit down but that is not the case, its such an emotional time and takes its toll on you both physically and mentally. In my case I kept saying to people that I wanted the world to stop so that I could get off. What I was trying to say was that I felt as though everything and everyone was against me, I was worthless and could not do or say anything right. I needed time out to gather myself and get me from that horrible place where I was. I dont think I ever really wanted to die as some people do, for some that seems like the only way out, for me I just wanted to be on my own and left alone until I was ready to face the world again. I do still feel that way even now although not as much as I did. Its like trying to climb a rock face, you struggle to get up and often fall back again but each time you do you dont fall quite as far as the last time.