Ok so I shed a lot of tears on Friday over the fact that I had agreed to go to a meal with my work colleagues. I am still not 100% sure that I will be able to make it as the palpitations have started again already, anyway I am trying not to think about it and will see how I feel on the day. I realised though over the weekend that this is a problem that I have always suffered with, I am fine if I go out with family and close friends but as soon as I am asked to go with anyone else it frightens me to death. Its so strange as I am quite an outgoing person really but I suppose we all have our hang ups. I remember once going to a bbq and a couple of days later I was talking to the guy who had thrown it, he said I surprised him as I was so quiet, I admitted that I do have a tendency to sit back and watch everyone else rather than be the one on show. The thing is, no matter how confident and bubbly I appear on the surface inside I am so insecure its unbelievable. I guess its due to some of the things that have happened in my life like having a bully for a step dad and a mother that always put herself first. Whenever he was bullying me she would just stand back and watch. I asked her about this once oand she said it was because she didnt want to make the situation worse and him hit me even harder. I personally cannot get my head around this as if anyone was to hurt either of my kids I would be the first person to jump in and try to protect them. Thats what being a mother is about isnt it? Anyway, lets not get on that subject as I am at work, and writing this up on my lunch so it is not exactly the best place to let my anger out about her!!!
I must admit though before I change the subject that I do sometimes think about her and wonder just what does make her tick and if she would ever be able to convince me that she was truly sorry for everything that happened, I honestly dont think that I would ever believe her as I have this block in my head when it comes to her. Its like my brain says keep away as you dont want her to rub off on you, best idea I ever had!
I must admit though before I change the subject that I do sometimes think about her and wonder just what does make her tick and if she would ever be able to convince me that she was truly sorry for everything that happened, I honestly dont think that I would ever believe her as I have this block in my head when it comes to her. Its like my brain says keep away as you dont want her to rub off on you, best idea I ever had!