Well what a week, it has been crap to put it bluntly.
Started off well, last Monday I went back to the gym, well spinning class, took me all my time but I made it through the class without running away and felt better for doing it.
Tuesday was another spinning class, this time a different instructor who knew that I had been having problems, she said ‘your smiling’, how nice that someone noticed, anyway, that session was a bit easier as I had got over the initial going into class on the Monday, even managed to work a bit harder as my concentration was on its way back.
Wednesday was Open Circle night. Only the second time I have been and decided that I would go straight after work and sit outside with a drink and some magazines that Ellen’s mum had sent for me, anyway, I was supposed to be meeting a relative there after 17:40, but when it got to 18:15 and she still wasn’t there I started to get worried. To cut a long story short she arrived at about 18:30 and as soon as I saw her I knew something was wrong, she had had her treatment that day and although she was nearly half way through her radiotherapy and she has done amazingly it finally got to her. She went home instead of joining me and I made her text me as soon as she got in even though I wouldn’t be able to reply at least I would know she had got home ok. Angie, (one of the other ladies) took some of my bags up for me to the room, I asked her to do this for me as I would have been so tempted not to go in if I hadn’t. The session was really good, we did meditation then practiced reading angel and Buddha cards, really good fun, never knew that I could sense something just from a picture and a few words. When I got home I pranged my friends phone to let her know I was back if she needed to talk, turned out she was in bed fast asleep and didn’t hear a thing bless her.
Thursday, I was worrying a bit as my relative lives on her own and is going through the cancer treatment all on her own, ok so she has all of us to talk to but that’s not the same as being able to go home and just sit with your partner and have a cuddle etc to make you feel better, anyway when I got to work I decided that I would get in touch with other members of the family to arrange for a visitor for her to make sure that she was ok, especially as she has other things going on at the moment too, one of the responses I got for being so worried was: “no-one ever died from radiotherapy”! Err excuse me, what gives you the right to say that, you don’t know what is happening, you only know what I have told you and after that remark you will not know anything ever again! Oh how I wish I had the guts to actually say this but no, I just thought it and let it eat away at me instead. Why do I do that, I need to start and open my mouth when someone has upset me, others say what they think so its about time I started sticking up for myself instead of letting others walk all over me. Nooo, doormat for ever me thinks!! Aaaargh, one of these days I will get there!
Friday, feeling sorry for myself I trundled off to work, just wanted to sit and cry all day but at least my relation was feeling a bit better which helped, by now I was just punishing myself for not standing up to people. It was my birthday the next day and surely someone at work would remember and wish me Happy Birthday for Saturday, I didn’t expect cards or anything but a greeting would have been nice, needless to say this didn’t happen, oh well, never mind I have my family and they will remember and make me feel special.
Saturday, now where do I start, woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep so went downstairs. It was only 7am so didn’t want to open the cards that I had received from friends. Somehow though I knew that Ian had forgotten so me being me thought I wont open my other cards until he comes downstairs, that way there are no reminders for him, sounds a bit mean possibly but we had a conversation earlier in the week when he had asked me what day it was on and I told him Saturday. Ian got up about 10am and didn’t say anything apart from good morning, not to worry, he will have just forgotten with only just waking up, he will have my card hidden somewhere and give it half an hour and he will remember, even if he hasn’t got me a card, that doesn’t matter so long as he says happy birthday and gives me a kiss, it means he is thinking of me. an hour went by, he went upstairs and got dressed, came down, another cup of tea, ½ an hour later he was out in the front garden weeding. Obviously he had forgotten so I opened my other cards and put them on display on top of the fish tank (ok so not a good place but it was the only flat surface I have), in all this time I was getting more and more frustrated at the thought that he had forgotten. Also I hadn’t had a text or telephone call of either of the boys to say happy birthday and that what getting to me too. Finally Ian came into the living room and apologised, said he had thought it was Sunday, yeah, a likely story, I had told him earlier in the week when he had asked me so how could he think it was Sunday.
Its ok but I run around after everyone, I do everything I can to make sure that everyone else is ok, rarely put myself first and hardly ever ask for anything so why is it that no-one can do the same for me. Its fine for everyone else to ask me to do things and go places, to expect me to pick up the slack and just get on with it, but just for once it would be nice for others to put me first, to think of what I might like. Its not about cards and presents its about caring and making someone feel as though they are important. Obviously this isn’t so in my case, I am only here to be a doormat for everyone else, I have tried saying no and when I do I just get the sulks and mood swings from whoever I have said it to so they end up winning anyway. It shouldn’t be like that, it shouldn’t be a constant battle for recognition, it should be all about well…………….. What can I say, obviously I think very differently to those people around me and then they wonder why I get depressed, why I always say that I feel worthless, because along with my childhood they have helped me to feel that way!
Monday, hmmm, well, by 8am I wanted to go home and back to bed! Not because of the last few days although they hadn’t helped but more because of the day I was having so far. I cycle to work every day, its 3.7 miles each way and today my back wheel decided to seize up, fantastic, lovely walk to work with only one wheel working, then when I got here I realised I had put an old pair of trousers that I had previously caught in the chain on my bike and they had a hole in the bottom, so obviously it looks as though this week is going to be something like last, hey ho, here we go!!!
Oh, and just as a little afterthought, it is not a good idea when you bump into someone that you havent seen in ages to start rubbing their tummy and asking if they are pregnant. Thats one wedding I wont be getting invited to!!!
Started off well, last Monday I went back to the gym, well spinning class, took me all my time but I made it through the class without running away and felt better for doing it.
Tuesday was another spinning class, this time a different instructor who knew that I had been having problems, she said ‘your smiling’, how nice that someone noticed, anyway, that session was a bit easier as I had got over the initial going into class on the Monday, even managed to work a bit harder as my concentration was on its way back.
Wednesday was Open Circle night. Only the second time I have been and decided that I would go straight after work and sit outside with a drink and some magazines that Ellen’s mum had sent for me, anyway, I was supposed to be meeting a relative there after 17:40, but when it got to 18:15 and she still wasn’t there I started to get worried. To cut a long story short she arrived at about 18:30 and as soon as I saw her I knew something was wrong, she had had her treatment that day and although she was nearly half way through her radiotherapy and she has done amazingly it finally got to her. She went home instead of joining me and I made her text me as soon as she got in even though I wouldn’t be able to reply at least I would know she had got home ok. Angie, (one of the other ladies) took some of my bags up for me to the room, I asked her to do this for me as I would have been so tempted not to go in if I hadn’t. The session was really good, we did meditation then practiced reading angel and Buddha cards, really good fun, never knew that I could sense something just from a picture and a few words. When I got home I pranged my friends phone to let her know I was back if she needed to talk, turned out she was in bed fast asleep and didn’t hear a thing bless her.
Thursday, I was worrying a bit as my relative lives on her own and is going through the cancer treatment all on her own, ok so she has all of us to talk to but that’s not the same as being able to go home and just sit with your partner and have a cuddle etc to make you feel better, anyway when I got to work I decided that I would get in touch with other members of the family to arrange for a visitor for her to make sure that she was ok, especially as she has other things going on at the moment too, one of the responses I got for being so worried was: “no-one ever died from radiotherapy”! Err excuse me, what gives you the right to say that, you don’t know what is happening, you only know what I have told you and after that remark you will not know anything ever again! Oh how I wish I had the guts to actually say this but no, I just thought it and let it eat away at me instead. Why do I do that, I need to start and open my mouth when someone has upset me, others say what they think so its about time I started sticking up for myself instead of letting others walk all over me. Nooo, doormat for ever me thinks!! Aaaargh, one of these days I will get there!
Friday, feeling sorry for myself I trundled off to work, just wanted to sit and cry all day but at least my relation was feeling a bit better which helped, by now I was just punishing myself for not standing up to people. It was my birthday the next day and surely someone at work would remember and wish me Happy Birthday for Saturday, I didn’t expect cards or anything but a greeting would have been nice, needless to say this didn’t happen, oh well, never mind I have my family and they will remember and make me feel special.
Saturday, now where do I start, woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep so went downstairs. It was only 7am so didn’t want to open the cards that I had received from friends. Somehow though I knew that Ian had forgotten so me being me thought I wont open my other cards until he comes downstairs, that way there are no reminders for him, sounds a bit mean possibly but we had a conversation earlier in the week when he had asked me what day it was on and I told him Saturday. Ian got up about 10am and didn’t say anything apart from good morning, not to worry, he will have just forgotten with only just waking up, he will have my card hidden somewhere and give it half an hour and he will remember, even if he hasn’t got me a card, that doesn’t matter so long as he says happy birthday and gives me a kiss, it means he is thinking of me. an hour went by, he went upstairs and got dressed, came down, another cup of tea, ½ an hour later he was out in the front garden weeding. Obviously he had forgotten so I opened my other cards and put them on display on top of the fish tank (ok so not a good place but it was the only flat surface I have), in all this time I was getting more and more frustrated at the thought that he had forgotten. Also I hadn’t had a text or telephone call of either of the boys to say happy birthday and that what getting to me too. Finally Ian came into the living room and apologised, said he had thought it was Sunday, yeah, a likely story, I had told him earlier in the week when he had asked me so how could he think it was Sunday.
Its ok but I run around after everyone, I do everything I can to make sure that everyone else is ok, rarely put myself first and hardly ever ask for anything so why is it that no-one can do the same for me. Its fine for everyone else to ask me to do things and go places, to expect me to pick up the slack and just get on with it, but just for once it would be nice for others to put me first, to think of what I might like. Its not about cards and presents its about caring and making someone feel as though they are important. Obviously this isn’t so in my case, I am only here to be a doormat for everyone else, I have tried saying no and when I do I just get the sulks and mood swings from whoever I have said it to so they end up winning anyway. It shouldn’t be like that, it shouldn’t be a constant battle for recognition, it should be all about well…………….. What can I say, obviously I think very differently to those people around me and then they wonder why I get depressed, why I always say that I feel worthless, because along with my childhood they have helped me to feel that way!
Monday, hmmm, well, by 8am I wanted to go home and back to bed! Not because of the last few days although they hadn’t helped but more because of the day I was having so far. I cycle to work every day, its 3.7 miles each way and today my back wheel decided to seize up, fantastic, lovely walk to work with only one wheel working, then when I got here I realised I had put an old pair of trousers that I had previously caught in the chain on my bike and they had a hole in the bottom, so obviously it looks as though this week is going to be something like last, hey ho, here we go!!!
Oh, and just as a little afterthought, it is not a good idea when you bump into someone that you havent seen in ages to start rubbing their tummy and asking if they are pregnant. Thats one wedding I wont be getting invited to!!!