Hmm, well it is now Friday and guess what, I managed to pull my bike out of the gate and around Andrews compressor that had been left at the end of the path without crying. Took a lot of deep breathing and stopping and starting but I did it, yaaaay.
Now I know that this seems like such a small thing but when you consider that a couple of weeks ago I wouldnt even get on my bike for fear of falling off as I was shaking inside so much, and trying to manouvre it around such an obstacle just would not have happened, I would have been crying my eyes out and refusing to go outside the house again as I may have to encounter the same or similar. Ok so by the time I got home and had to get round it again I was shaking like a leaf but I didnt give up, I just took a few deep breaths, well about 20 and got on with it. I even mamaged to pull the compressor down the path out of the road when I got home, wow, what an improvement.
Did you know I can even talk to people on the telephone again without getting too flustered. For the past few months I havent been able to do this as I have been so embarrassed about my speach, I was tripping over my words, forgetting what I was saying and just generally felt that I couldnt hold a 'normal' conversation with anyone.
Its strange the way depression can affect you, its not just that you cry all the time which is what most people think of when they here the word, it can have such a profound effect on the rest of your life too, and the lives of those around you. For me I shut myself off from the world, I dont talk to anyone due in part to the reasons above, partly because I feel as though I have nothing of interest that anyone would want to hear. I dont like to go out for fear that someone will see me, I do not feel worthy of taking up any ones time, then if anyone does try to talk to me I feel as though they will get fed up of hearing me as I am repeating myself over and over again. I lose all my confidence, self worth and just generally feel like a waste of space.
People often say why dont you pick up on it as your starting to go down. Thats ok, I honestly would if I
could but it creeps up in such a way that I dont even realise until it is too late, then, with hind site I see all the signs. I suppose its because when I am depressed I am in my comfort zone. When I was younger I was made to feel as though I was worthless so when the depression starts its comforting as I have known that feeling for so long. The only thing is I then realise whats happening and its usually too late. I am already on my way to rock bottom, luckily for me I seem to have it more under control as I have aged and the depressions dont seem to be happening as much. That being said in the last 21 months I have been off work for something like 8-9 months in total with this time being the worst of the 3 times. Previous to this it was a few years since I had last been down, that time was when I finally , gave in and started using antidepressants.
One thing that does worry me is ending up like my mother, I could never talk to or treat my children the way that she has me. I would hate to think that I have given my kids all the hangups she has me I dont speak to her as she just makes me feel ill whenever she is around. The last time she really spoke to me was to ring me up one Boxing day to wish me Happy Christmas and tell me about all the money she had spent on my sister and brother (she hadnt even sent me a card), and then pull my mother in law to pieces because she hadnt spent a fortune on my husband!!!!!! It does hurt when I think of her as she has done so much to hurt me and make me feel inferior, how can a mother do the things to her own flesh and blood that she did to me? At least with her not in my life I dont still wish I had never been born, that is one thing Ian and the boys have managed to make me feel worthy of.
Depression is not just about you but the people that you surround yourself with, put yourself with someone who pulls you down all the time and you will feel small. Surround yourself with people that pick you up and they will help you when you need it, just like my family, they support me in everything I do, even when they can see that I am going to fall flat on my face, they encourage me to do my best. Its just a shame that I cannot repay them by not getting depressed but there again, they dont hold it against me, they accept me for how I am and do their best to be there for me in both the bad times and good. They never judge me, never bring me down, they just stand by me.
I know this is not possible for everyone, you cannot always help the people that you are surrounded by and this makes it even more difficult to cope. I dont want to comment on this as it would only seem patronising to someone in that situation and I would hate that. I can only comment on myself and my feelings.
Now I know that this seems like such a small thing but when you consider that a couple of weeks ago I wouldnt even get on my bike for fear of falling off as I was shaking inside so much, and trying to manouvre it around such an obstacle just would not have happened, I would have been crying my eyes out and refusing to go outside the house again as I may have to encounter the same or similar. Ok so by the time I got home and had to get round it again I was shaking like a leaf but I didnt give up, I just took a few deep breaths, well about 20 and got on with it. I even mamaged to pull the compressor down the path out of the road when I got home, wow, what an improvement.
Did you know I can even talk to people on the telephone again without getting too flustered. For the past few months I havent been able to do this as I have been so embarrassed about my speach, I was tripping over my words, forgetting what I was saying and just generally felt that I couldnt hold a 'normal' conversation with anyone.
Its strange the way depression can affect you, its not just that you cry all the time which is what most people think of when they here the word, it can have such a profound effect on the rest of your life too, and the lives of those around you. For me I shut myself off from the world, I dont talk to anyone due in part to the reasons above, partly because I feel as though I have nothing of interest that anyone would want to hear. I dont like to go out for fear that someone will see me, I do not feel worthy of taking up any ones time, then if anyone does try to talk to me I feel as though they will get fed up of hearing me as I am repeating myself over and over again. I lose all my confidence, self worth and just generally feel like a waste of space.
People often say why dont you pick up on it as your starting to go down. Thats ok, I honestly would if I
could but it creeps up in such a way that I dont even realise until it is too late, then, with hind site I see all the signs. I suppose its because when I am depressed I am in my comfort zone. When I was younger I was made to feel as though I was worthless so when the depression starts its comforting as I have known that feeling for so long. The only thing is I then realise whats happening and its usually too late. I am already on my way to rock bottom, luckily for me I seem to have it more under control as I have aged and the depressions dont seem to be happening as much. That being said in the last 21 months I have been off work for something like 8-9 months in total with this time being the worst of the 3 times. Previous to this it was a few years since I had last been down, that time was when I finally , gave in and started using antidepressants.
One thing that does worry me is ending up like my mother, I could never talk to or treat my children the way that she has me. I would hate to think that I have given my kids all the hangups she has me I dont speak to her as she just makes me feel ill whenever she is around. The last time she really spoke to me was to ring me up one Boxing day to wish me Happy Christmas and tell me about all the money she had spent on my sister and brother (she hadnt even sent me a card), and then pull my mother in law to pieces because she hadnt spent a fortune on my husband!!!!!! It does hurt when I think of her as she has done so much to hurt me and make me feel inferior, how can a mother do the things to her own flesh and blood that she did to me? At least with her not in my life I dont still wish I had never been born, that is one thing Ian and the boys have managed to make me feel worthy of.
Depression is not just about you but the people that you surround yourself with, put yourself with someone who pulls you down all the time and you will feel small. Surround yourself with people that pick you up and they will help you when you need it, just like my family, they support me in everything I do, even when they can see that I am going to fall flat on my face, they encourage me to do my best. Its just a shame that I cannot repay them by not getting depressed but there again, they dont hold it against me, they accept me for how I am and do their best to be there for me in both the bad times and good. They never judge me, never bring me down, they just stand by me.
I know this is not possible for everyone, you cannot always help the people that you are surrounded by and this makes it even more difficult to cope. I dont want to comment on this as it would only seem patronising to someone in that situation and I would hate that. I can only comment on myself and my feelings.