Guess what I was doing this morning, trying to move a horse, yes you heard me correctly, did not succeed in doing it, the thing just stood there looking at me as though I was daft, maybe had something to do with the fact that I was waving a branch in its face and shouting giddy up. A guy was trying to help me, he even managed to get his shoulder against its neck to try and push it but no, it was determined to stay where it was, its ok but I always worry that when the horses wander off the field that they are going to follow the path and end up on the main road, that would be so dangerous. Anyway, we may not have been successful but it did cheer me up. I had been feeling a bit down but one horse, one mutt and two pugs later and smiling again, doesn’t take a lot.
I realised this morning that it’s now about 5 or 6 months since I was suicidal to such an extent that I was seriously considering ending my life. I have come such a long way since that day when I was walking the streets looking for somewhere to hide and feeling so low. It seems like a life time ago.
When people see me now I get the feeling that they think that I am all good and back on my feet, this is the case to a certain extent but due to my depression being permanent there will never be a day go by when I don’t have a moment when I suddenly think lets go and walk out in front of that lorry or get the urge to take a knife to myself. This is something that I have to live with and some days it is much easier than others. It is usually only a fleeting feeling and there is no logical reason as to why it suddenly comes over me it just does.
It is hard for people to understand this hence why I set this web page up, it has helped me enormously to get my feelings out in the open as I still have serious problems communicating to people. What to someone else would seem so trivial to me is a monster, my thoughts can sometimes run away with themselves and although no harm is ever intended I can be taken the wrong way, it’s the way my head works, it doesn’t look at things logically. The best way I can describe it is take two people, one is terrified of spiders, and the other isn’t bothered by them. The person who is scared of them has no real reason to fear them they just do and the person who isn’t finds it hard to see the logic in the fear. The same can be said of my type of depression, I am the one that is terrified of the spider and I feel as though everyone around me is ok with them.
On a good day things can go really well and I will laugh and entertain along with the best of them, on a bad day everything gets all blown out of proportion and it hurts so bad inside, I have to be so careful that the blackness doesn’t creep back in and take hold as it is always trying.
I think I have finally resigned myself to the fact that this will never go away, some days will be good, some will be bad, hopefully I will never be as bad as I was a few months ago but this is something I cannot guarantee as it only takes one little thing to side swipe when least expected and back down we go.
I know I have said this previously but suffering with depression is exhausting, it is a constant battle to try and keep on top, if you get a bit down it is terrifying as you are always trying to make sure that you don’t fall any further, most of the time you succeed but sometimes it doesn’t work and back into the black hole you go where no-one can reach you and you don’t want to come back from.
I realised this morning that it’s now about 5 or 6 months since I was suicidal to such an extent that I was seriously considering ending my life. I have come such a long way since that day when I was walking the streets looking for somewhere to hide and feeling so low. It seems like a life time ago.
When people see me now I get the feeling that they think that I am all good and back on my feet, this is the case to a certain extent but due to my depression being permanent there will never be a day go by when I don’t have a moment when I suddenly think lets go and walk out in front of that lorry or get the urge to take a knife to myself. This is something that I have to live with and some days it is much easier than others. It is usually only a fleeting feeling and there is no logical reason as to why it suddenly comes over me it just does.
It is hard for people to understand this hence why I set this web page up, it has helped me enormously to get my feelings out in the open as I still have serious problems communicating to people. What to someone else would seem so trivial to me is a monster, my thoughts can sometimes run away with themselves and although no harm is ever intended I can be taken the wrong way, it’s the way my head works, it doesn’t look at things logically. The best way I can describe it is take two people, one is terrified of spiders, and the other isn’t bothered by them. The person who is scared of them has no real reason to fear them they just do and the person who isn’t finds it hard to see the logic in the fear. The same can be said of my type of depression, I am the one that is terrified of the spider and I feel as though everyone around me is ok with them.
On a good day things can go really well and I will laugh and entertain along with the best of them, on a bad day everything gets all blown out of proportion and it hurts so bad inside, I have to be so careful that the blackness doesn’t creep back in and take hold as it is always trying.
I think I have finally resigned myself to the fact that this will never go away, some days will be good, some will be bad, hopefully I will never be as bad as I was a few months ago but this is something I cannot guarantee as it only takes one little thing to side swipe when least expected and back down we go.
I know I have said this previously but suffering with depression is exhausting, it is a constant battle to try and keep on top, if you get a bit down it is terrifying as you are always trying to make sure that you don’t fall any further, most of the time you succeed but sometimes it doesn’t work and back into the black hole you go where no-one can reach you and you don’t want to come back from.