Well here we are back again.
Its been quite an interesting day today, I finally managed to get together the courage and energy to ring work and let them know how I was getting on, after all the last thing they knew I was going to be there just over a week ago and I didnt arrive. Instead I went for an extremely long walk. At the beginning of it I was seriously thinking of never coming home again, now whether that meant that I was just walking out on my life or something a bit harder I will possibly talk about in the future. For the time being all that you need to know is that I could not cope with the thought of being sat amongst a lot of people, all happy and not understanding how I was feeling. I was, I have to admit, at an all time low, I had really hit rock bottom and I can honestly say that I am, even now, not sure how I am still here.
I do however, have my aunty Jean to thank. She was there for me when I needed her. Something inside me told me to ring her and go to her house and I am so glad that I did, she didnt ask me any questions or push me for information, she just let me get on with what I needed to do. I know she was worried as she wanted to talke me home when I said it was time to leave, in the end she agreed to drop me on Holderness Road so that I could catch the 57 bus that would take me all the way to my house instead of having to change buses. Obviously because of the way I was feeling I didnt catch the bus. Instead I started walking, I wasnt sure where I was going but I couldnt get on the bus. I remember whilst I was walking I was on the lookout all the time for a doorway or passageway in which to spend the night, each one I looked in though was so scary, on top of that the weather was so cold, it was snowing, there was ice on the ground, I was lonely, unhappy, frightened, felt as though the world was against me and it just wasnt worth living any more. Then I received a text from Ian saying something to the effect of 'where are you, do you want me to pick you up?' Such a simple text but it reminded me what I would be leaving behind. I knew that if I didnt answer that text then I would be no more and I couldnt put my family through the pain, humiliation and guilt of me no longer being around. Like I said on the first day my family are everything to me.
Oh dear, I am even crying whilst I write this as its so painful to think that I could be at a point in my life when enough is enough.
I am on my way back now. Its going to be a long hard journey but at least I can finally see a light at the end of that very dark tunnel.
I hope that is a place I never ever go back to again although, because I have suffered with depression all my life I get the feeling that it will raise its head again in the future. Maybe next time I will be able to cope better, or if not, at least speak to people about it as more and more people are now realising what I have been through.
One thing that I have noticed though is the amount of people that say things to the effect of 'you got to pull yourself together and get on with it'. I am not saying that this is not the case if you are suffering with a downer or feeling low (I've been there too) but when you are suffering from true depression this makes you feel worse as you start to think there must be something wrong with you because you cannot pull yourself together. Something happens in your brain, apparently its some kind of chemical reaction, and when you are on this sort of low you need to be dealt with very caefully. The smallest remark said even in goodwill can set off a chain of reactions that can lead to drastic consequences. Ian learned this the last time he told me to pull myself together, the next day he came home to me having cuts all over my arms and legs, I had taken the blades from my craft set and used them on my skin, I ended up spending that day at the local hospital being admitted onto the acute assessment ward until they could get a councillor to me. Not very nice, especially when I went back to work a week later, cuts still in full view and lying to all my colleagues that mentioned them telling them that I had been fighting with the dogs, I remembet one of them saying that they had never seen dog scratches like that before, hmmm, thats obviouse but I wasnt going to say anything!!!
Its been quite an interesting day today, I finally managed to get together the courage and energy to ring work and let them know how I was getting on, after all the last thing they knew I was going to be there just over a week ago and I didnt arrive. Instead I went for an extremely long walk. At the beginning of it I was seriously thinking of never coming home again, now whether that meant that I was just walking out on my life or something a bit harder I will possibly talk about in the future. For the time being all that you need to know is that I could not cope with the thought of being sat amongst a lot of people, all happy and not understanding how I was feeling. I was, I have to admit, at an all time low, I had really hit rock bottom and I can honestly say that I am, even now, not sure how I am still here.
I do however, have my aunty Jean to thank. She was there for me when I needed her. Something inside me told me to ring her and go to her house and I am so glad that I did, she didnt ask me any questions or push me for information, she just let me get on with what I needed to do. I know she was worried as she wanted to talke me home when I said it was time to leave, in the end she agreed to drop me on Holderness Road so that I could catch the 57 bus that would take me all the way to my house instead of having to change buses. Obviously because of the way I was feeling I didnt catch the bus. Instead I started walking, I wasnt sure where I was going but I couldnt get on the bus. I remember whilst I was walking I was on the lookout all the time for a doorway or passageway in which to spend the night, each one I looked in though was so scary, on top of that the weather was so cold, it was snowing, there was ice on the ground, I was lonely, unhappy, frightened, felt as though the world was against me and it just wasnt worth living any more. Then I received a text from Ian saying something to the effect of 'where are you, do you want me to pick you up?' Such a simple text but it reminded me what I would be leaving behind. I knew that if I didnt answer that text then I would be no more and I couldnt put my family through the pain, humiliation and guilt of me no longer being around. Like I said on the first day my family are everything to me.
Oh dear, I am even crying whilst I write this as its so painful to think that I could be at a point in my life when enough is enough.
I am on my way back now. Its going to be a long hard journey but at least I can finally see a light at the end of that very dark tunnel.
I hope that is a place I never ever go back to again although, because I have suffered with depression all my life I get the feeling that it will raise its head again in the future. Maybe next time I will be able to cope better, or if not, at least speak to people about it as more and more people are now realising what I have been through.
One thing that I have noticed though is the amount of people that say things to the effect of 'you got to pull yourself together and get on with it'. I am not saying that this is not the case if you are suffering with a downer or feeling low (I've been there too) but when you are suffering from true depression this makes you feel worse as you start to think there must be something wrong with you because you cannot pull yourself together. Something happens in your brain, apparently its some kind of chemical reaction, and when you are on this sort of low you need to be dealt with very caefully. The smallest remark said even in goodwill can set off a chain of reactions that can lead to drastic consequences. Ian learned this the last time he told me to pull myself together, the next day he came home to me having cuts all over my arms and legs, I had taken the blades from my craft set and used them on my skin, I ended up spending that day at the local hospital being admitted onto the acute assessment ward until they could get a councillor to me. Not very nice, especially when I went back to work a week later, cuts still in full view and lying to all my colleagues that mentioned them telling them that I had been fighting with the dogs, I remembet one of them saying that they had never seen dog scratches like that before, hmmm, thats obviouse but I wasnt going to say anything!!!
RSS Feed