Well here we are again. So its been about a month since my last rantings and to be honest things seem to be going quite well. I have been discharged from councelling although I still think that me being sat outside the clinic eating a sandwich, singing my little heart out and nodding my head in time to the music may have had something to do with this. My councillor told me late that he had actually seen me and I looked to be enjoying myself so much that he didn't want to disturb me, hmmmmmm
I am now back at work full time and seem to have got back into it quite easily, a lot better than the last few times I have been off with depression so maybe this is the start of a good time, oh I hope so but I am trying not to think about it as it just brings me down.
Last week I decided that I was going to do a 10k assault course in October. I mentioned this at work and afterwards wished I had not said anything as most people where commenting on how I should set myself a smaller challenge, err this is me, I dont do things like that, the bigger the better and the more chance I have set myself up to fail. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I took offence as I thought people where taking the piss and not encouraging me to do something that I wanted to do and had to stop myself from going off on one.
A few days later my friend contacted me to say that she could no longer do the course as she is now on crutches, oh dear, what to do now!
I have made the decision that I will not book for that particular one as it is too far for me to go to race on my own, my confidence may be coming back in leaps and bounds but there is still things that I freak out at and that assault course on my own is one of them. So change of plans. I am now hoping to get booked onto a 5k army assault course at the end of September in Leeds. Its a lot closer to home and due to doing it on my own I have decided that 5k is a lot more achievable. Ian has said he will take me and support me round the course so woo hoo, watch this space..............
To get me fit for this endeavour I need to put a plan of action in place to get fit. After Pilates last night I had a word with the instructor about it and walked away wishing I had said nothing, I felt so little the way she looked me up and down and kept doing it whilst I was talking to her. She did give me some good advice, however I did not feel good about myself by the end of the conversation, honestly I could have cried when I was on my way home.
Anyway I went past park on my way home and they where doing the British Military training that is done there on a Tuesday and Thursday and thought to myself what the heck. I actually went and spoke to the instructor and asked his honest opinion on whether or not he thought I would be able to do it. He took one look at me and said: "so long as you really want to do it I can get you there, you have to want it though" And, guess what, last year they had a group of about 30 entered and stayed over in Wakefield to make a weekend of it, fantastic. Maybe some things are going my way after all.
I did actually admit to Ian that I was having a bit of a dip in how I am coping with life at the moment, that really surprised me as I usually keep everything to myself and dont tell anyone how I am feeling, its so much better as now he knows that when I am snapping or miserable the reason behind it and can help me.
I do sometimes wonder if I will ever get back to how I used to be when I was happy and nothing bothered me, could do anything that I wanted and nothing or nobody would stop me. Just writing this though I have come to the realisation that I have never had all these things at the same time, its always been two or three of them together, just feels like I used to be a better person but I wasnt. I am still that same person only struggling to keep everything on an even keel, as each day goes by I learn something new and deal with things in different ways, there is always a challenge to face but I am finding new ways to cope all the time.
I am now back at work full time and seem to have got back into it quite easily, a lot better than the last few times I have been off with depression so maybe this is the start of a good time, oh I hope so but I am trying not to think about it as it just brings me down.
Last week I decided that I was going to do a 10k assault course in October. I mentioned this at work and afterwards wished I had not said anything as most people where commenting on how I should set myself a smaller challenge, err this is me, I dont do things like that, the bigger the better and the more chance I have set myself up to fail. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I took offence as I thought people where taking the piss and not encouraging me to do something that I wanted to do and had to stop myself from going off on one.
A few days later my friend contacted me to say that she could no longer do the course as she is now on crutches, oh dear, what to do now!
I have made the decision that I will not book for that particular one as it is too far for me to go to race on my own, my confidence may be coming back in leaps and bounds but there is still things that I freak out at and that assault course on my own is one of them. So change of plans. I am now hoping to get booked onto a 5k army assault course at the end of September in Leeds. Its a lot closer to home and due to doing it on my own I have decided that 5k is a lot more achievable. Ian has said he will take me and support me round the course so woo hoo, watch this space..............
To get me fit for this endeavour I need to put a plan of action in place to get fit. After Pilates last night I had a word with the instructor about it and walked away wishing I had said nothing, I felt so little the way she looked me up and down and kept doing it whilst I was talking to her. She did give me some good advice, however I did not feel good about myself by the end of the conversation, honestly I could have cried when I was on my way home.
Anyway I went past park on my way home and they where doing the British Military training that is done there on a Tuesday and Thursday and thought to myself what the heck. I actually went and spoke to the instructor and asked his honest opinion on whether or not he thought I would be able to do it. He took one look at me and said: "so long as you really want to do it I can get you there, you have to want it though" And, guess what, last year they had a group of about 30 entered and stayed over in Wakefield to make a weekend of it, fantastic. Maybe some things are going my way after all.
I did actually admit to Ian that I was having a bit of a dip in how I am coping with life at the moment, that really surprised me as I usually keep everything to myself and dont tell anyone how I am feeling, its so much better as now he knows that when I am snapping or miserable the reason behind it and can help me.
I do sometimes wonder if I will ever get back to how I used to be when I was happy and nothing bothered me, could do anything that I wanted and nothing or nobody would stop me. Just writing this though I have come to the realisation that I have never had all these things at the same time, its always been two or three of them together, just feels like I used to be a better person but I wasnt. I am still that same person only struggling to keep everything on an even keel, as each day goes by I learn something new and deal with things in different ways, there is always a challenge to face but I am finding new ways to cope all the time.